Give me a definition for "Normal"

It's been several weeks since my last posting, I have to admit each time I sat down to write something the screen remained blank. I couldn't think of a thing to say that didn't feel contrived. I want this blog to be real and honest, not a way for me to throw a random dialysis joke your way.  And to be truthful things have been "normal" for the past for weeks.   Oh "normal" you say, what the heck is that. I am certainly living anything but a "normal" life. Well actually I am. Let me elaborate...

There is no such thing as "normal" I hate to break it you. Normal is  a 5 letter word that we give way too much credit to.  Everyday is "normal" if you rise up in the morning and lie down at night. That's where it begins and ends. We all have a different opinion or understanding for what is "normal". So how can something so different be the same for everyone?

For me this is "normal": 3 days a week for 4 hours I go to dialysis and now that my fistula is doing the job for which it was intended, I get 2 large needles in my arm for treatment. On my 2 off days, I walk, or do yoga,  take care of my family, talk on the phone, shop, cook, clean, go on Facebook. Oh am I boring you, yes me too. (insert yawn) at this point it is pretty boring. I guess you can even say it's "normal".
Why are we so concerned with what is "normal" there really is no such thing. I guess we can say mundane, routine, predictable but that sounds kind of lame right? So we focus on what "normal" SHOULD be. What SHOULD it be?  Well, frankly, mundane, routine and predictable. For now "normal" is good.  Nothing out of the ordinary or scary or challenging or overwhelming is in my way.  It's true you can adjust to anything and for now I'll take it.

Simple Gifts

So you know those yoga pants I was telling you about a few weeks ago, well you will be happy to know that they have finally made it to the place for which they were designed. Yes, I started taking Kripalu (gentle) yoga last week. Having the catheter removed freed me physically and emotionally in a way that I wasn't prepared for.  All these months of being physically tethered was exhausting in so many ways.  Not having to be subject to the pure exhaustion and drainedness (is that even a word?) is quite a revelation. I feel like me again. I can go and do and not feel weighted down. Starting yoga was gift I had to give myself.

I know I am a long way to the end of this. I have no donor, therefore no kidney to fix this mess I am in. Eventually it will come, but for now this is what I have to face. Each day that my faithful golden retriever wakes me at 5:30 like clockwork, is a day I get to give myself another simple gift. It doesn't have to be anything tangible, but the gift of breathing each day and putting one foot in front of the other or the gift of making my kids breakfast or calling a friend is a gift I get to cherish.

Dialysis days are difficult, sometimes painful, always long and often tiring, but that dialysis machine is a gift in its on way. It saves my life on regular basis, it does for something that my own body is unable to do. It makes me angry sometimes that I have to do this, and when I am going through it, I don't see the gift it provides. It is only when I step away from it when I take my drive home and walk in the door  that I see what an important gift it is.

Everybody has shit that that they have to deal with. We all struggle with something. No one is immune, but when you add a chronic illness to the mix, all the little things pile up and it gets harder to separate the good from the bad. I have learned that those little things that pile up are the gifts and we just need to sift through the pile and realize it. That pile of baseball games, dance recitals, practices, carpools, dinners to be made, laundry to be folded. Yes it can get overwhelming and sometimes we are drowning  in those little things, but just think of all the gifts you have in your life and then it won't seem so bad.